My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
