dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
