thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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