Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
