tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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