He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
