It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
