My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
