he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i've created a new STD.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
