The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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