3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
