He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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