I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's shark week go big or go home
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
