i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
