Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
