Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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