Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just saw a hot homeless man
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize