Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize