i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
