Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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