At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
