just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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