Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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