I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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