How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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