Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
