Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
