Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
