we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Randomize
