Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
