as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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