He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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