Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
