Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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