watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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