I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
