A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize