I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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