he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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