well I can't set my house on fire every night
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Randomize