Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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