I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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