i was born a porn star she said
now i know why i became what i already was.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
