I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
