booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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