I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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