i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
