yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
