Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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