marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
