I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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