His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
