Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
