I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
