Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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