I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
