I just threw up on my dentist
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
