whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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