if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
