The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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