oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
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