My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
